Sarvi’s blog

So unfortunately, breastfeeding is not coming along as well as I'd hoped. I'm in tears by 8pm every night, and my nerve endings are so frantic that even the sensation of air on wet skin makes me cringe. The thought of not being able to nurse is even more painful than the act of nursing, so I feel terribly stuck. I have been to see Wendy at the Pump Station twice, and am calling my doctor tomorrow to see if there's some underlying medical issue, which I desperately hope there is. At least I could do something about it, then?

I have made a commitment (to myself, to my daughter) to stick it out for six weeks and see where I am then, but it's awfully disheartening that at the moment I am thinking of this as being 'halfway there' -- halfway to quitting, rather than to seeing substantial improvement. I am reaching back to Power Decade of the 80s for renewed strength:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28KobNbbI2s

wide awake

How can I give up on this sweet face?

she's getting better and better:

she fell asleep like this!

adorbz

proud grandma M

1 comment

I'm not sure what it is about having a kid that has made so interested in Iranian culture all of a sudden. I suppose part of it is that I know it's very easy for kids to become acculturated in the absence of the culture of origin, and especially without literacy. I can't read or write Farsi beyond kindergarten level, which makes me pretty sad. It's something I'd still like to pursue. Who knows, maybe Saturday school with my daughter will be how it happens.

In the absence of literature or music, the main carrier of culture in our family has been food. Everybody thinks their grandma is the best cook, but everybody thinks my grandma is the best. I didn't really get it when I was younger -- I assumed every Iranian family cooked like that. I remember chatting with a friend, both of us going into raptures about the food we remembered from childhood, and her happily sharing food her mother had made with me. I had a hard time getting it down and had to ask twice what it was even supposed to be, pretending it was a dish I'd never had before. I sometimes get people telling me they've been to this or that Persian restaurant and really enjoyed it, which always makes me sad. What if people thought the equivalent of Applebee's or Cheesecake Factory was your country's idea of fine dining? There's not really a restaurant culture in Iran -- everybody cooks at home. The thing you usually go out for is chelo kabob (generally lamb, but you can't have lamb here, it always tastes gamy).

I have been using Najmieh Batmanglij's excellent cooks to try to recreate some of my favorite dishes. I still haven't gotten any of them quite right, but then I'm comparing what I make to my grandmother's cooking. I'm not going to play like Glenn Gould the first time I touch a piano. I'll call before I start and quiz my mother and grandmother.

"This says to add advieh. But she's talking about it like it's a specific spice."
"No, saffron is advieh, cumin is advieh -- it's just a general term."
"Oh! Ok. I can't find any ghooreh (unripe grapes). Can I use limoo omani (dried persian limes)?"
"No, it'll get bitter. You could, but no. We have so much ghooreh, I'll bring you two tons."

Which she does, in a reused yogurt container labeled with a little piece of masking tape and my grandmother's handwriting. Which I can't read, yet.

In this last week or two before junior arrives, I'm trying to see as many people as I can, go to the movies and out for nice dinners, etc. Well, no luck so far with the movies or nice dinners, but Aaron and I finally made it out to see Martin and Wendy's new house. It's awesome! I'm glad I got to see the Before, so I can fully appreciate the After. There's a ton of light that comes into the new kitchen, and a super groovy outside lit panel that leads to the back yard. I could show you instead of give you a half-assed description if I had only remembered to bring my camera, but it's currently packed into the overnight bag for the hospital. Pryor took a bunch of cool photos, hopefully somebody will post them.

I also got an awesome hug and kiss from Eloise, who is HUGE, and got to meet internet superstar Margot and her parents, Jen and Martin. Eloise's dapper cousin Lucia and her mom came by as well. The three young ladies are actually even cuter in person -- I know, how is that possible. We had delicious baked treats, both savory and sweet, and enjoyed the kind of evening meal outside that makes people want to move to California -- mellow people, mild weather, good times all around.

I was pretty tired by the time we got home but super jazzed about having a little girl. Aaron is excited about the play possibilities, and I think seeing what great dads the two Martins are was inspiring. The next day I got a wild domestic hair (hare?) and have been on a mini cooking and sewing rampage. Behold my creations, which are tasty and soft respectively, if a little crooked:

Thank you, ladies who replied to my question about EC! I ordered 'The Diaper-Free Baby' by Christine Gross-Loh and found it very helpful. I passed it along to Aaron who is reading it now. I also joined the recommended yahoo group and actually found that even more helpful in a way, because I can search for specific things I have questions about, and find that somebody else has already asked about that and lots of nice folks have responded.

Even some hardcore granola-crunchers have responded with skepticism to my wanting to give EC a go, which is a bit disheartening. I'm just going to try to learn when my kid needs to go. If it doesn't work out, no harm, no foul. Why the, like, negative vibes, maaaan? So it's been really nice to have some encouragement from you guys, and to read about other folks' experiences online.

The general attitude of trying to learn about your kid and being tuned in to what's happening with her both physically and emotionally seems to lead to a cluster of other stuff like babywearing, breastfeeding, and attachment parenting. All this stuff is in sync with what I would want to do anyway, so it's not a big stretch to read up on it and think about some ways to incorporate it into my life.

On an unrelated subject, I have found something really weird. I am used to not seeing a lot of images of adult middle eastern people, and certainly very few positive images, but I guess I never really thought about how this would play out with images of children. As I have been looking up various how-to videos for everything from childbirth breathing techniques to breastfeeding holds, I have found extremely few images of anything but caucasian babies. Isn't anybody else having kids? My baby will probably look at least a bit asian, and I'm kind of dying of curiosity to see other hapa kids. I know it would be asking for a lot to want to see images of half-Iranian, half-Chinese babies specifically, but I am willing to take what I can get.

I was having a lot of anxiety about wrangling a single huge baby shower. For one thing, we're living in my mother-in-law's place, so we don't have a ton of space for lots of big baby furniture, and aside from that, we want to keep things pretty low-key and get gear as and if we really need it. For another, we have a huge family and a lot of friend clusters -- people who should be invited in groups -- and I couldn't really handle organizing a 200-person event right now. So when my wonderful stepmom volunteered to have a very small ladies-only tea party for me, it was a huge relief. Aaron's mom would rather have a 100th-day party, which is more meaningful to her, and my mom would like to organize the first birthday, so hopefully each culture -- American, Chinese, and Iranian -- will get a traditional party of its own.

Homemade cupcakes

The party was really wonderful. I stayed for about six hours, and I generally start to tire after two. I think that I've been spending a lot of time cooped up at home alone, while my classmates are all going back to school, and the rest of my family and friends are at to work. After the party, my sisters and their friend were hanging out for a while, my dad got back from his bike ride and was chatting with us, and my stepmom started uploading her photos right away. It felt really nice to spend some time with them chat, and just be around people in a mellow setting. I had wondered whether I'd find it very hard to switch from being at home full time to going back to school next year, or if instead I'd be very eager to get back to having an independent, adult part of my life in gear again. Probably it will be a bit of both.

Ladies' luncheon